Imagine you're a garden hose constantly stretched to its limits, bending and twisting to water everyone else's plants while your own garden withers away. This is the essence of people-pleasing—a behaviour that's particularly challenging for individuals with ADHD, who often find themselves tangled in a web of others' expectations. This particular issue comes up often in my counselling work and so I wanted to reflect on it here.
The Hidden Burden of Always Saying "Yes"
People-pleasing is more than just being nice. It's a complex pattern of behaviour that can drain your emotional energy and compromise your well-being. For many with ADHD, this tendency isn't a choice but a deeply ingrained survival mechanism developed over years.
Why are ADHDers particularly prone to people pleasing?
Several factors are at play which I'll list below. Alongside these factors, what is particular to counselling is the importance of hunting around in the corners of a person’s life story to find the origins of where people pleasing was born.
Childhood Survival Skills Growing up in challenging environments often teaches individuals with ADHD to become master peacekeepers, a role that persists into adulthood. A typical origin memory from the past could be something seemingly innocuous like how you were approached about keeping your bedroom tidy. Maybe you were shamed for finding it difficult to keep it tidy, maybe you swallowed down your struggle with tidying and overcompensated by pushing yourself to tidy up and now you’re seemingly super-organised but incredibly burnt out.
Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD) The fear of rejection can feel overwhelming, pushing us to agree rather than risk experiencing this feeling. A typical origin memory could be how you were treated at school. Perhaps you came up with unusual ideas during class discussions and this was laughed at or rejected by your peers or teacher.
Impulsivity: You may say yes without thinking as the thoughts often don’t come till afterwards, and by then it’s too late as you’ve committed and can’t bear the emotions involved in pulling out.
A typical origin memory could be how you impulsively said yes to a social event, went along and didn’t enjoy it but pushed away your feelings about it.
Low frustration tolerance: When a challenging issue arises, you might automatically surrender to others' wishes rather than risk the possibility of your own frustration getting out of control.
Difficulty Prioritising
ADHD can makes it difficult to reflect and clarify that we may need to prioritise ourselves over others. By the time you’ve got in touch with your own need you may have already said yes!
Romantification of the future
ADHDers often have a vivid and optimistic outlook on the future, saying yes because the fantasy future looks so good. But then reality hits and it can instead be quite the opposite picture!
Validation Seeking: Our sense of self-worth becomes precariously tied to others' approval, making "no" feel like personal failure. A typical origin memory could be picked from so many that it’s hard to choose! This is pretty much ‘death by a thousand swords’. One’s self worth can become eroded over time from the many, many micro-judgements from others who comment, respond or even look at you a certain way for how you are operating in the world. As an example, this could be the look on a teacher’s face during primary school.
These seemingly innocuous examples are never insignificant to me in the counselling room. They are the origins that we need to revisit and explore together within the framework of neurodivergence.
The Devastating Impact of Constant People-Pleasing
The consequences of this behaviour are profound:
Burnout: Constantly prioritising others leads to emotional and physical exhaustion.
Eroded Boundaries: Saying "yes" repeatedly leaves no room for personal goals or self-care.
Resentment: Over time, unexpressed frustrations build up, creating tension in relationships.
Unbalanced Interactions: Your kindness can inadvertently invite others to take advantage of your generosity.
Breaking Free: Practical Strategies
1. Recognise the Pattern
Awareness is the first step. Start noticing when you're agreeing out of impulse rather than genuine willingness.
2. Practice Saying "No"
Begin with low-stakes situations. Each "no" is a muscle that can get stronger with exercise.
3. Establish Clear Boundaries
Communicate your limits clearly and compassionately. Remember, boundaries are an act of self-respect, not aggression.
4. Prioritise Self-Care
Give yourself permission to put your needs first. You cannot pour from an empty cup.
5. Build a Supportive Network
Surround yourself with people who respect your boundaries and let you be who you really are e.g. to be flexible in your commitments.
Breaking Free: How we may address this in therapy
EMDR and other forms of experiential trauma processing can tackle and rewrite the origin stories. Your story about yourself can change – this is something I offer in my work, and it’s something you can ask for with other therapists who offer experiential trauma processing.
A Final Encouragement
Stick this mantra in your pocket because it is entirely true!
You are not responsible for managing everyone else's emotions or expectations. Your worth is not determined by how much you can do for others, but by how authentically and kindly you treat yourself.
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